How to cope with the things people say ?

I am on Hopeful Parents talking about the difficulty of dealing with the things people say in the days post diagnosis here

If you hate clicking links ( like I do :-) ) here is the post



How to Cope with the things people say?

One of the hardest things for mums and dads of auties is  what I call  the “coming out”.

Of disclosing to the world that your child has autism

The breezy question of “Hows the little one”?

To which you have till this day, always replied “doing great”

Do you now just state baldly “ well actually he has autism now !”

When we first found out, I told just my very close friends ( those with who had discussed with me the all consuming  “does he/doesn’t he” of the months before getting an official diagnosis of he-does) .

 I told them these close friends by email and I also told them that I did not want to talk about it at all.

Many people said kind things "Must be hard.. how can I help ?"

But the words of other people ( even when  well meaning  ) hurt so deeply

"Did you see that Larry king show" ( where the mother was taking about killing herself?) 

"I read this great book - this mother stopped giving her kid cheese and he became unautistic "( thanks for letting me know )

"I used to think i had it tough .. after seeing what you are going through -- I am going to stop feeling sorry for myself "( I always planned to get to the bottom rung of the pity ladder )

Will you be taking him to Vegas to play the slots?

Just curious.. if you could do it again what would you do different …You must really regret vaccinating your child( ouch !!)

Do you think its because you were so stressed when you were pregnant?”( what a comfort, knowing that it may have been my fault !!) 

“These are chosen children of God!” or –“this is just a penitence for past sin” or “god has only given this to you because you are strong”( wasn’t feeling so lucky to be chosen )

And the worst "Soon they will be able to screen for autism in utero and we can prevent autism "

How it hurt!

But the truth is that most people were  just looking for something to say.

Often ,in fact,  they  were trying to read my attitude to see what would be  right thing to say.  

Should they should sympathize or offer something uplifting?

Sometimes, of course,  they were not thinking at all

But, almost never, was anyone looking to hurt

The intent was usually kind

All my life I have been deeply in love with words.

So much of my childhood filled with pleading for more reading time while my mom told me I was ruining my eyes and threatened  to turn the light switch off !

But being loved so deeply by R - my child silent for so long - taught me to look beyond words 

To the intention behind the words.

And it makes all the difference to how I feel about what is actually said


The second thing that has really helped, has been falling back in love with my life and realizing once more that we have the best kid in the universe.


.And being able to truthfully answer" he's great ". A cue to starting conversations that focus on the positive and the possible 


The third thing that has made a difference has been to teach myself to be a little less sensitive 

The other day an elderly aunt commenting on R’s talking asks” will he always talk like this or will he improve any more”

My mum, on hearing this, quickly comforts me “oh she is a broken drum ( Bengali proverb) no one knows what she will sound will come out of her next.. let it roll off your back “

And today its easy to do !